Monday, May 25, 2009

Full Moon

People always asked,

"Why does he always look so cold?..."

I smiled to myself, watching them back up, almost as if in fear. Of course being different, they will back away. I never speak, I never communicate at all with the others. They are just as foreign to me as I am to them. I am the outcast in this class room, probably always will be.

There have been, unexpectedly, some girls come up to me, thinking I'm cool, and confessing their love. Always the same sentence, and always the same response between me and those girls.

"Uruha I-I really like you. I think you're so cool and layed back, w-would you..please go out with me?" The girl would say blushing as she looked down.

"....I'm sorry, but I'm staying out of relationships for a while now...I'm sorry to disappoint you." I would say, every time.

Why do they act so scared with friends when they actually like me?

I may never know, but it's funny, so I laugh.

Stepping in and out of classes, dismissal at 2:30 pm. I get bored, so soon as I am out of school, I am walking around the neighborhood. Usually around the park, or just up and down blocks. Sometimes I go home at 3 pm, sometimes I go home at 6 pm. As long as I'm home before 7 pm, I'm okay. Any later than that, I would have to inform my older sister. She's basically my guardian, since we left our parent's house because of our bipolar mother and father who did nothing when she hurt us. We don't bother calling them, or visiting. Because they didn't even care when we left. Our mother's exact words:

"Go ahead, leave, do us all a favor and die out there. No more headaches I have to deal with."

and I'm guessing you're wondering about my dad?

He just stood there behind mom, nodding at us to go, as if saying it's better this way. He was afraid of his own wife. All we could do was leave and be happy that we did. Sometimes I think of him...and wonder if he made it out alive. Made it out of that trap, those bars that held him back from saying anything to upset that woman. Even though he did nothing to protect us or even himself, I still pray for him. Mom may have been the worst...but dad was still caring and loving, when he could be.

A reason I never speak with others...is because I feel I can never be like them. No matter what happens, they smile, they laugh, they make friends. I'm afraid they may never understand, or that they may shut me out more for saying why I'm always this way.

At the same time I want to go to them, tell them my name, smile, laugh with them, become their friend. I'm stuck in a hole, and I don't know the way out. I hope that one day, I will get the nerve to make contact with others, or someone will get the nerve to make contact with me.

Because I know...I can't go on living alone with the past.

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