Tuesday, June 30, 2009

oh my goodness child!

went to meet trainer in godmom's gym yesterday.
he scared shit out of me :s

this morning i woke up and after showering i called mom, AND SHE SAID I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO WOOO CAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE WAY HE SPOKE TO ME

so instead went walking on own today :DDD

and before leaving i had told grandma stuff he said and way he spoke, then when i got back from walk and got to dads store he frowned and asked "wtf happened yesterday" and i blinked, then said "ohhh grandma told." and i explained way dude spoke and omg o__o dad raaaaaaaaged.

said he would go over and punch that motherfucker if insulted me

i was like wtf, what happened to dad that hated me and didnt care anymore o__O

and mom made us pancake yaaaaay...they were good x.x

i asked dad to correct my spanish poem...and then asked him to translate some of 2 french songs for me, since he used to take french a looong time ago.

and..we're kinda talking again? E_E i guess...i hope..

i wanna see katy perry in july |D wish i could go backstage and meet her, and make out with too xDDD lawl that would never happen o.o

and i wanna get my new cell phone D: but i doubt will happen soon cuz of me n dad.

who knooows what will happen x_x we may be talking bit but can still be bad relationship.

:s wish for me my old father back..

Monday, June 29, 2009

Go in front of me, because you love me no more.

vaya delante de mí

por que tú ya no me quieres...

tú no quieres a mí...

vaya delante de mí..y camina rápido o correr

por qué si no te vas...yo voy a correr a ti...

y despues...

Voy a caer de nuevo por sus palabras...

sus palabras de amor...

___________________________________________________

Went to dad's store before walking as usual <____< he started talking but then noticed he was talking with me about MJ and then said "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU DON'T TALK TO ME"

and I'm just like "=___= yer talking to me right now" and mom's all

"respect your father"

-rolls eyes-

and he even asked my grandmother if she wanted to take me in, grandma's an angel so she said she would if she had to. even told mom other day that if i moved in she'd pay internet for me ;_;



when I got back from walk, he started saying i better get close to mom yada yada, and that he's getting rid of me and that he's gonna slap my face and make me cry, and that he's not gonna talk to me anymore yadayadayada...

and i saaay stuff like "wouldn't be first time I cried", "you're talking to me right now. what do you think you're doing? you're talking to me. what happened to the silent treatment, i thought you weren't talking to me." he had then said "well when i get rid of you the conversations are over"

I'm starting to believe this jerk never loved or wanted me.

its going to be annoying staying home with a man who just wants to argue and doesn't care about feelings.


I'll see you in hell dad, because I'll be right there next to the devil, laughing at my own suffering, and burning myself with your words.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Silence

I never thought the silence could hurt this much...

but when I cried, I finally realized I can't stand it....

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Fuck you and your Assumptions

YOU KNOW WHAT

I finally realize I'm the only one to get blamed for someone else's fucking problems.

YOU KNOW WHAT DAD

YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAD ME IF YOU WERE GONNA BE THIS TYPE OF FATHER


HOW DARE YOU FUCKING TALK LIKE I DON'T LOVE MY MOTHER.

Of course I love that crazy woman, she's pisses me off, but I love her, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME, SHE WENT THROUGH THAT PAIN FOR ME, SHE CARES ABOUT ME, she's the one who fucking takes care of me!

All I want is for me and her not to argue, YOU NEED TO STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS

just because I don't wanna sleep in YOUR bed and wanna sleep in mine, doesn't mean she left this house because of me!! She told me she WANTED to go to grandma's house: 1) grandma's alone 2) she can't sleep properly here.

for fucking sakes, GET A GRIP

GO BLAME YOURSELF FOR YOUR FUCKING MISTAKES, AND FOR YOUR ISSUES.

do not blame me for what someone else chooses to do,

IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T WANT HER HERE, IT'S JUST MORE PEACEFUL WHEN YOU TWO AREN'T ARGUING.

and if you don't ever talk to me again because I got pissed at what you said, THEN GO TO HELL

because IF YOU START PISSING ME OFF, AND SMIRK WHILE DOING IT, DON'T COMPLAIN AFTERWARDS

cause you see that water bottle I threw on the floor and at my desk? IT BROKE FROM HOW HARD I THREW IT!!!

BE HAPPY I DIDN'T THROW IT AT YOUR HEAD, BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO.

and trust me, if you hit me, i would've hit back today, cause you truly woke up the devil inside of me today.

WARNING: never wake up the devil, or you will regret it.

AND I HOPE YOU DO

because now I know...

I know exactly how my brother feels, and why he ran away.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Visited grandma

after eating pizza with cheese fries (i need to find better foods -_-) i went walking, for idk how long, but walked 20 blocks.

listening to childhood by michael jackson ;___; "before you judge me...try hard to love me..."

such beautiful words T_T

made me cry this morning, AGAIN.

When I went back to dad's job, they were playing dominoes as always with their supposed "not friends, acquaintances", or however they say conocidos in english.

then grandma came down and said how she went to check numbers from the money game play thing, and HER NUMBER WON.

but my stupid aunt hasnt mentioned anything about the number, cuz she's one who played the number for grandma. so grandma doesnt know if my aunt lost the paper from the game or if she even played it at all. so I told grandma to call her xD she got all excited and stuff cause she was shocked when she saw her number.

hopefully my aunt has the paper -.-'' so grandma can get the money she won.

then went up to grandma's house, and listened to her speak about her past...

it was sad because all of sudden she listed the people that were her family that died, and she asked "what is the point of living? i've lost my dad...my mom....my son..." she looked like she was gonna cry but didn't :/ i was tearing up. she pointed to the pick of my mom and bro, and uncle who passed, and then to the pick of her mother. and said how she only has her 3 daughters and grandchildren.

it made me sad, but then she spoke about other stuff that wasn't negative xDD so I guess she wanted to just get her feelings out.

then eventually went back down to dads store. i waited for my turn to play dominoes, then got the feeling i wasnt wanted and just got up saying im going home. i told dad over the phone when i got home why i left and he said "no mama, thats not how it is" and i just rolled eyes saying yeah, but i felt that aura so i left. then we hung up afterwards.

yah for some reason feeling moody, must be the rain thats supposedly goin to happen or im just starting to focus on how people feel about me too much, and getting annoyed being around a certain person who i feel doesn't really like me, or that i like much either E_E

that 'acquaintance' that went walkin with me yesterday, I don't like her much.

reason 1: smokes, and I hate smokers, if its my family members, i just hate the fact they smoke, because, hullo, ITS BAD. and the shitty smell annoys the hell outta me.

reason 2: she looks at me at times in a way that i think she thinks I'm an annoying child, or am disgusting. I don't like the way she looks at me at certain moments, i start feeling uncomfortable and would to tell her off but can't in front of her husband and his brother, and parents.

i would like to see my brothers, Billy and Eric. Was supposed to visit Eric tonight but now dad's all "i have a headache, I'm tired!" then don't promise him to go visit then not go at all -__-

Billy is just goin through hell with my nephew who can be a real handful because of how much his mother spoils him, so even calling him today, he just couldnt wait to hang up to take care of the kid, spoke in pretty angered way too. So I don't think I should even call him at all.


uggghhh

i havent felt this way in a while

i want to cry for hours

but that will just kill me all over again.

1...2...3..

R.I.P Michael Jackson

v___v he was a kind person man, those rumors about him are totaly bs

wasn't GREAT fan, but I still liked his songs and dances, used to watch him on tv when they showed his dances for Halloween and when he had certain concerts that they showed live.

well, he's in a better place now, and doesn't need to deal with this stuff anymore :/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

went room hoppin with joona last night..

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had to leave though, cuz dad was gonna wake up.


workin on a drawing in painter 11.

its comin out "ok" so far...

we'll see if its what i really imagined.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

zomg biscuit juices fried chicken kool aid

i bought this magazine few days ago o: called imagineFX (i took pic of in earlier blog post)

got some awesoooome art in their man @o@

and came with this dvd!! and has photoshop cs3 and corel painter 11 demos inside!

i put in painter 11 demo and so far i am awed @0@ looks better than photoshop to me.

I LOOOVE

so this sunday goin with dad to computer show to hopefully buy it waaaay cheaper than regular price <''D

its like 400 bucks dude o.o I don't wanna pay 400 bucks

so yah...

i fergot what else was gonna say on here


OH YAH

went walking with my mom's friend today xDDD she called me her daughter lawl

only thing that i didn't like when walking with her was her smoking D8 i hate that damn tobacco smeeelll, just annoys me. and then I don't wanna breathe that in, so i hold breathe and try avoiding smell xD

but other than that was pretty okay with her. She wants to go to beach with me and bring a long her granddaughter (who's pretty hawt, and she's like 12/13...[alex is being a peeerrrvv])



so I'm up to it~

thats it for noooow~ adios amigos x) (bye friends)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

3..2..1...a drive back to past memories

The sun is setting on the day
and i am walking on this pathway
I see the sky's clouds, as the birds fly by
without a sound...
I cry.....


a lonely girl waiting for someone to call
while she sits alone in her room
and her tears fall


(this was 2 years ago, when i was still best friends with the first girl I fell for)

...

hiiiiiiiii...

i like cookies...

bye.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I JUST REMEMBERED MY DREAM FROM LAST NIGHT

joona came to new york city!!!

AND HE EXERCISED WITH ME!!!!


>_< !!! YAY!!! was so fun DX he jogged n stuff, and i tried catching up with but was slow
(and i drooled while running behind him...>_>)

and when he stopped and turned and waited for me...i just started crying...and I don't know why but I did D: and i just stopped walking and cried wiping my eyes after every tear that came out DX

and then ;___;........


HE HUGGED ME T_T AND I CRIED ON HIS SEXY CHEST


he was so warm D: i swear it felt like i was really hugging him...and when he hugged I actually felt the love from his friendship D'''X

dream ended there ._.


and when waking up...

I knew I would always be his friend, because thats how close I've gotten to him...

no matter what happens, he will always have a special place in my heart D:

because he's the best friend I've always asked for..

GUESS WHAT

I probably slept wrong way last night, so my right arm elbow IS KILLIN ME ATM...hurts like hell if i move at certain moments...

AND

i spent 40 bucks on imvu creds today wooooo

such waste v.v but too late now...

got myself this art magazine!

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was too lazy to scan it so just took pic of with webcam.

that pic in front is so haaawt i wanna draw stuff like that. make people go WOW when they see.

the art inside is pretty hawt too, and this cd came with the magazine, some program for art i guess? gonna check it out later. hopefully it really is a program that works awesomely 8D

ttfn x3

Sunday, June 21, 2009

HAHA...

Update yay!

1. mom's a bitch

2. i hate mom

3. goin for ride with dad was fun :D

4. I wanted to dance in rain but didn't

5. uncle makes me happy

6. uncle explained my end of the world dream yaaay...apparently it had to do with my religion o.0 (so much for doubting my religion these past 3 months)

7. I WANT THIS EFFING PHONE

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SEXY


8. im so effing hyper i called lizz babe

9. i wanna slap an ass just to hear an "AH!"

10. lets go to a club, pick up people to fuck ;P

11. i've lost my mind

12. did i mention i'm crazy?

13. no?

14. well now you know.

bye now ;D

Friday, June 19, 2009

Halo

When i first looked into your eyes,
I knew you were the one,
to never break a heart,
or walk over me like I'm scum.

Your angel wings covered and protected,
always there within 3 seconds,
impossible to not miss.

the shining, blinding halo upon your head,
it's invisible but still there,
notifying me that I can always trust you,
to hold me as if i was a precious glass...

something you could never drop and could only love...


I JUST REMEMBERED

before we started regents mr. shaw gave us directions

and he was telling us what to fill out

and kept makin us laugh at random shit he said XDD

like "OH SHENANUHGANS"

xDDD

and then he said "ok, put your name, name of the school, your sex. whether you are female or male, if you don't know, leave it blank" xDDD

that one kinda cracked me up....x3

HMM

Heeeey...been a while since I've written bout my daily life huuh xD

uggghhh....i'm pissed off x[ not even in mood to be writing but WHATEVER

I went walking today and dad sends me home to shower Rolls Eyes Pictures, Images and Photos

well I decide I'm very hungry so I wanna eat first Napsu Makan Pictures, Images and Photos

theeeeen right before I settle down in my room before I get in mood to shower, dad comes home saying he's going to buy water gallons yada yada and was calling me to come along, so I put my sneaks back on and get my stuff and go...then he asks in car "did you shower?"

and I'm like "does it look like I got to? I just finished eating" then he starts yelling saying go shower and that he'll go alone =____= I GOT PISSED

because finally I'm getting out the house and then he says I can't go cause I didn't shower WHEN HE WANTED ME TO. I shower at night when officially done with all shit I gotta do.

NOOOOOO gotta stay home....


If I could I would go by the river walking right now just to try calming down because me and my anger problems...=__= i can not be angered a lil bit anymore...anything can just seem like it doesn't anger me a lot but then I get really pissed because I just think about it and can't sit still =_________=..................

I need to calm down but I need to punch something, or go tire myself out by jogging...

or throw stuff around and scream. only ways I calm down....


I'm scary huh??


Cause I was given birth to by the devil cheese Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, June 18, 2009

IMVU WITH JOONA

SO EPIC XD
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HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA.....i just loved when his avi was spinning in air with arms and legs spread out xDD


was fun x3

No Title

A young flower yet to be seen.
Blooming for the world.
A lost youngster, who could he be?
choking at the door.

He's lost his dream,
She's lost her work.
Oh whatever will they do?

They sit and cry and

memorize

the very thought of you.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

We will Hold Our Flags Up High With Smiles On Our Faces!

I watched the movie Milk today and felt the inspiration to type up an argument so here goes...



Hey you! Yeah, you. Yes you heard me call you. Why did you look at me that way? Giving me that dirty look, what did I ever do to you? What? Just because I'm different, you gotta spit on me? Make me trip, make me fall, break my bones? Look at me, look at you. We are both human right? Just because I like one thing, and you like the other, doesn't mean I should be punished for it. We are all the same and we are all different! Don't frown at me, then mumble "fag" under your breath. Don't laugh at me with all your "friends", who secretly think you're 'strange' as well. Don't gossip, because what does gossip bring you? A 30 second laugh to boredom? Let me tell you...

I will dress up in rainbow clothing, I will grab a rainbow flag, and I will prove to you, and the rest of your "friends" I am beautiful too. I will stand strong...no...WE will stand strong. We won't let anyone else step upon us, or treat us like dirt. You will accept us, the way we accept you.

And we will hold our flags up high with smiles on our faces, screaming "we are free!", standing on the tallest stools, waving our hands in the air, and applauding each other. For we belong...

私..時にガラスを破るの葉にもかかわらず、すべての削減や打ち身でも、背の高いスタンド、私は家に帰る途中で笑っている。

Glass leaves break upon me..but I still stand tall even with all the cuts and the bruises, I am smiling on my way home.

Friday, June 12, 2009

GOMENASAI***SORRY

haven't written in so long im sorry v.v

thing is school got me stressed to point i couldn't stay online long because of how tired i was xD

yaaaah...don't feel like writing a lot at the moment sooo...here goes...

Update 1 and only 1 for today:

i got my drawing tablet yay! and i drew this with it!



.........................

ok shit doesn't wanna copy but whatever xDDD when i finally put CS3 onto my comp i will draw somethin then post x3


for now, ttyl.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Won't go home without you - Maroon 5


Wont Go Home Without You - Maroon 5

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you

Sunday, June 7, 2009

la....la....la....

Went to WestBury Common today (some mall thing but its like an outdoor mall?? all stores are outside instead of inside one building if you get the picture)

My Uncle came along. Made me happy 8D but my self esteem made me cry in front of him today because of shopping...~

nothing new lawl

i feel a bit left out in my group of friends as well but eh xDDD wtf am I worrying about that for anyway...

if they don't want included I can't complain v.v still speak with them so...

annnnnnd iiiiiiii waaaaant toooooo daaaaaance thiiiiiiiiis sooooooong aaaaattttt myyyyyyy sweeeeeeeet siiiiiiiixteeeeeen paaaarrrttttyyyyyy wiiiiiiiiiiith myyyyyyyyy daaaaaaaaaaad annnnnnnnnnnnd uncllllllllleeeeeeeeeeee......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JND_Zldow9g


seems corny, but for many spanish girls this song is perfect for sweet 16/sweet 15s

and I love iiiiiiittttt. even mom says i chose perfect song v.v

idk, its special to me, i was pratically crying imagining me with my father and uncle.






i think thats it~ later xD

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Failure

Just when I thought everything was going well,

It hits me.

It makes me fall onto my knees,
and cuts my hands like glass.
It gives me headaches and...
It makes me cry.

So much to do in such little time,
how can I ever finish?
How will I ever succeed?

All I can do is ask myself how
and say "Its impossible"
What am I good at?
And what am I useful for?

I don't deserve to be alive.
I should've never been born.
Because how can a person like me,
please my parents?

I'm a mistake, a burden.

How can a person like me,
succeed in college?
Pass with such confidence to make a great future?
Support the one I love?

How can I?
When I'm no good
When I'm of no use...
And all I can do is cry about it.

Because I'm a failure.

A failure...

Monday, June 1, 2009

THROW UP

I threw up in school today 8D

how awesome. XD

I wanna stay home tomorrow, after all even teachers told me I should stay home this way with all that happened v.v

but you know how lovely parents are.

Well, I had poked Michael in his ticklish spot and he was drinking water then said "for the love of crap I'm drinking water" and I said that that's what he gets for doing the same thing to me earlier.

Then Kasha asked "did he just say he's drinking water full of crap" because that's what she heard apparently xDDD He choked on his water and snot came out his nose..:S yucky

I saw and my stomach started churning cause looking at stuff like that or smelling disgusting things, i get sick xD


sooooooooooooo! I tried holding in but ended up throwing up on floor XD got on my sweater. i waited for my english teacher cause she wasn't in the room at the time, so when she came told her what happened then went to bathroom and threw up 3 more times. xD

my stomach sure reacted negatively to that site. I tried washing off vomit mark from sweater, but didn't work so gonna have to get it washed xD.

came home early for this reason cause my stomach was all weird feeling after all that throwing up. after coming home I stuffed my mouth like a monster.

eventually I may end up feeling stomach ill or throwin up again xD

ahhhhh...v.v sickness always finds its way to us~