Thursday, July 30, 2009


"How are you feeling?" He asked, looking deep into my eyes with concern.

"I don't know what I feel..." I replied, with a blank expression. My eyes were dark, and showed no feeling whatsoever. What was I to do? I was empty...Who could save me from.....

"What do you mean? You have to feel something! haha..." He laughed, but I heard the pain within that laugh...I stared at him, expressionless. All I could think was why...just why this pain? What kind of pain was this?...Why won't it leave...leave me alone...

" going to die aren't I..?.." Tears poured from my eyes...and I couldn't stop them..

"No! You won't...I won't let you..." He held onto my arms, lifting me up from the ground again, I could see he was going to cry as well...

He pulled me into his arms tightly, hugging me. I felt his tears on my shoulder...He then faced me, holding both of my arms again. Tears were still rolling down my cheek, and he looked at me so seriously...I wondered if he was upset...

"....." I stayed silent..and didn't expect that he...would suddenly...

pull me closer, our lips not touching yet, but feeling his breath against my lips, and I'm sure he felt mine against his...he then leaned in and kissed me..

my eyes were low, the tears didn't stop from rolling down my cheeks, and more just came out now...

I felt love, and pain, at the same time...

I would like to die in his arms...but only if he died with me...

He stopped, and pulled away looking into my eyes. he whispered "you won't leave me...I won't let you..." He placed his hands on my cheeks, wiping the tears away. I slowly nodded, whispering back, "...I won't...leave..."

Before I knew it he was lifting me up from the ground, and carrying me home..

singing a tune along the way, I fell asleep in his arms listening.

The unidentified feeling, it disappeared...and all I had left to feel was love...


Pass over the wine, and throw out the sour milk

".....Wake up....and face me. Don't play dead..'cause maybe...Someday I will walk away and say...You disappoint me. Maybe you're better off this way......"

The song just plays, somewhat speaking the words in my mind that won't come out. I play it loud and clear to you...your lifeless body...

I lick the blood off my fingers, staring at the long cut on your leg, as you sweat and shake on the seat, I smirk.

seeing you scared of me wasn't part of the plan, but it somehow made me feel stronger, like finally being the one on top. Instead of being the one that gets left behind hurting, you are hurting. You are in my place and I in yours.

How does it feel to be the underdog, your highness?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Your silk hair can't fall through my fingertips like water anymore,

you've changed sides.

your skin is no longer smooth, but somewhat coarse...?

amazing you left for him, not surprising.

go hide behind your no longer standing refuge, oh wait, I BURNED IT So you can't hide.

This amuses me now, the fact you try to get away, when I'm holding your wrists so tightly, my nails are practically making you bleed!

the face I once thought was a piece of art work is now scum...

so as I hold the knife against your throat, say you love him again...

then say good night, sweet little pearl.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Niece....


had a very bad day, not gonna write it all here.

but niece slept over today, and we were pictochatting on ds, and then she started saying real touching things..

She started saying that she loves me very much, and how I'm the big sis she never had...

Also that whenever I'm angry or sad, or whenever I cry, she's sad and cries too, because she hates seeing someone she loves being so down. She said she wants me to be happy, and that she loves me very very very much.

goooosh, i felt like crying while reading all that...

didn't know my emotions affected her much. i feel bad. mom just says so much shit about me, i truly believe she should have never given birth to me if she hates me so much. like there's absolutely no love from her, and i have no love for her anymore. none at all.

i get angry, i get sad, i get depressed, i get all these feelings, and it upsets me that i can never be happy.

would like to be happy, and only way i see that happening is if i never see her again. because every time i see her, its one argument after the other. instead of pointing out the good stuff about me, she points out the bad.

like seriously. I've been through this for how many years already? it needs to stop. and dad needs to stop saying that soon he wont be around anymore and my mothers gonna be the one taking care of me.

because seriously, ive been telling him since I was 3, that if he goes, i go with him.

its sad, that I live with all this shit. on and off breakups and getbacktogethers, nonstop arguing EVERY day, being put down by my mother all the time, arguing with dad about the way he speaks at times, its crazy.

I want it to end. I wish we could just like, move down to florida, or puerto rico, or even virginia. me and dad. bring grandma along. We'll be happy. like no arguments, BARELY.

if we do its cause of some stupid thing. and then we get over it quickly...I would be able to see my brother if i go to florida. i'd get to see my nieces and nephews. i'd live in an awesome safe area. and have fun like always. would be able to go out and possibly start liking myself and losing weight?

it's be nice...

but its still a dream....and dreams dont always come true.

Its not just fam probs either, its relationship as well. I wait forever for my girl to msg me, then i go on her pro and bam, its all changed, msgs from her friends there indicate she's been speaking with them, but what about me, her gf? like, I wait here forever, just to get the lil paragraph of conversation she sends to me every what? few weeks? months even.

I get the feeling she doesnt even wanna be with me anymore, and i act like it wont hurt, but im realising just how crazy i'll go. because I love her, but i feel like she's probably unsure about being with a girl? I have no idea whats up, but thats how I feel.

if she wants to break it off with me, then break it off. it will hurt less knowing now and getting it over with, then suffering here waiting for her msgs, and being ignored.

I love her so much...

so if this happens,

will I be able to let her go after this lasting for so long?...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Friday, July 24, 2009


Went to 86th street today with my niece 8]

bought imvu credits -regrets that as usual-

bought my niece two magazines. Went to Barnes n Noble, and found out my membership expires in the end of the month, so gotta renew that soon. xD sadly -.-'''

later on went to seaport with dad and niece o-o had to look for a parking for soooo long and when dad was turning a corner, some guy who wanted to try crossing while dad was coming yelled "WHAT THE FUCK" in front of his gf I'm guessing and group of friends xDD

and my dad was like "what the fuck what?!" and he yelled "YOU'RE ABOUT TO RUN ME OVER MAN!!" and my dad was like "MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK WHERE YER GOING" and the bastard responded "FUCK YOU GET OUT OF HERE MAN YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!" while he grabbed his girl moving her over, and she just grinned like she was enjoying this xD and my dad yelled back "YA FUCK YOU TOO!"

and the bastard yelled "go fuck yourself" when my dad started moving again


be all like "excuse me? but what the hell gives you the right to be talking to my father like that? MIND YOU a soon to be 9 year old is in the backseat, SO WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE. another thing, if you're trying to impress a girl by acting stupid, I sure feel sorry for you're dumb looking ass right now. you saw the car coming, why try to cause problems and just WAIT. like seriously. Starting a fight to look so HIGH AND MIGHTY, that's low. oh and, how about YOU go play with yourself at home, because I don't think you're getting any ass tonight babe."

I WOULDVE SAID AAAALLL THAT, and if he touched me, OHOHOHO. it would be me AND my dad punching the life outta that bitch xDDD

He said fuck so many times omg, I was just /facepalm at him whooole time.

It was after dad drove off, that i was ready to get out the car and make that jerk cry his way home to mommy. :]

but sadly x.x dad drove away too quick, and my anger built up a bit late xD.

My niece was just laughing at what i was telling dad I wouldve said to tell that fucker off, and dad was just saying "he's an idiot"

yah, he truly was.

well, we finally found a parking after that :O and there was a concert-ish thing goin on there, but the music sucked xD was some type of weird...mechanical soundin...techno-ish thing...e.o sounded horrible xD and I'm amazed there were sooooo many ppl there.

I took niece to the keychain store where I got my two keychains :o bought her one, she says its "mysterious" xD long as she likes it i'm a-ok!

then I went to gamestop, got sims for my ds ;o I got the last one, I was lucky xDD

read Joona's blog, and he posted this test he took, how much have you screwed up of your teenage life 0.0 and I took it, on my own from his blog from what he posted annnnd

I screwed up 60% of my teenage life!

I actually thought would get more o.0

oh well.

now I'm sitting in garden alone~ o.o

soooo, back to my boredom xD laterz

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

was a goodday.

oh ffs x_x I have such HUGE headache atm. and its annoying me. first my teeth hurt then huuuuge headache. oh joy.

wi-fi crap on ds isnt working, so can't connect with joona and yuki to play pokemon D:

niece is supposedly coming tomorrow so i'll make her help me >[

I just noticed I missed the new real world episode two hours ago....


ah well. cba to care.

Went out with my uncle today. Walking for hours at central park then eating at McDonald's. Caesar salaaaad wow Pictures, Images and Photos

I want another one of those. bleh. Might go walking with niece tomorrow to 86th street x| and she better not complain.

uuuugggghhh headache is killing me X__X im going to bed reeeaaal soon. blehgh....

i need a fuckin coffee, a nice warm one. or some tea. im dyin here.

X_X emoticon Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, July 21, 2009



woo, I drew that last night for waste |DD (doesn't show whole thing on here cuz its huge XD)

haven't drawn in soooo long, I need to get back to it. I miss it but it's like I lost the interest in doing it ever since I started high school :/

I MUST HAVE MY ART COME BACK So i will hopefully have designs/characters/some type of thing pop into my head and get onto paper or into my journal on the computer with my drawing tablet.

I just finished waking up from a nap, and I'm still tired xD more sleepy than before! amazing.

I think I'm gonna start straightening my hair, and hopefully do a good job at it.

I keep going to ticket master, and trying to find katy perry tickets, BUUUT now it can never find any! -___- says as date nears, tickets can become available and the concert's like seven days away, and nothing! I think I'm gonna need dad to do what he needed to do for me a few weeks back, and order them for me online on his comp, OR call them.

Because I really wanted to go to that concert >:/ since like first time I saw poster around my school area which was in the month of, idk, i think may or april?

I wanna see the girl's whom's lyrics I loooove D:

And take chas with me, I wish elyse could come too but she misbehaved and lost chance of coming with me -.- cuz her mom's being a dumbass.

I shouldve lied saying I was going to 86th street to buy some shit for my mom, instead of saying going to 34th to see if I can buy the tickets there.

x__x too late now though....


PLEASE HAVE THE TICKETS!!! PRAY Pictures, Images and Photos

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Well, I sure haven't posted, or made another vlog like I said I would.

I've been thinking a lot and haven't been in mood for, apologies.

Goodness, well let's see xD

I went to pool other day like I said in first vlog vid. Mom pretty much wouldn't stop arguing, glaring, getting pissed, etc. I was very close to throwing my bag at her head then running to dads job xDD but i stayed cause of my niece -_- but should've done what dad said "then leave and say you don't wanna go, and come home."

But I stayed cause didn't wanna leave my niece upset :/

I shouldve left though x| !

ah well, too late now. Was arguing from moment we left, to moment we came back. She even told me after coming out of pool that she's gonna send me home without eating lunch! XD then she asks 2 minutes later when seeing a pizzaria if I wanna go there, and I'm like 'wtf?'

so i shrug and she heads inside, my niece calls after me saying to come in and I tell her I'm going home just like mom wants me to~ and then she comes out with my mother and ends up leaving with me -__-

so when off the bus i walk ahead of them and tell dad some parts of what happened, then told him i'm not going out with her anymore, and well, i haven't xP and won't.

well that was that day ~~

I made a livejournal to read a special someone's blooog 8]

but only posted one thing on there and really, i think I'm just gonna use that account to read my bffl's blog x3 I'll just keep using blogger.

so yah D: thats it for now I guess. laterz

Friday, July 17, 2009

first vlog

this first one sucks arse XD

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hey guys~~

two friends of mine made vlogs...and I'm thinking of starting to make vlogs myself xD

hopefully I'll have one up tomorrow :D

So, if i don't write here, you'll have to go to my youtube page :P or maybe deal with fact I didn't write today xDD

Weeeell, yaaah :D will hopefully have first one posted here tomorrow, i will probably post the vids here xD.

x3 well then, listen to these songs >:O

MySpace Music Playlist at

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

There's No I in Team - Taking Back Sunday

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Such Hatred


Mother rages,

grandmother complains of,

father rages.

the whoooole cycle of talking about the dislike of the behavior of one person in the house that is considered, quote on quote, "fat shit"

yeeees meee. ofc, since I'm the only wrong thing in here.

Whyyyy did they have me if they were going to hate me so much?

Why am I even still LIVING?!

YES i sound fucking suicidal, who gives a shit

ya know, I really can't stand it. The bullshit I have to deal with each day of my life, for years, and years. Next thing ya know, I will pay someone to shoot me. Let them cry their eyes out, then smile the next day, happy that I'm gone.

So...I love the Internet...because I actually have friends who CARE and don't hurt me, people in real life, let me down, I'm surprised I even made 2 best friends in real, and now we can barely see each other.

The people I've met online, I've come to love. I can't NOT speak to them. I go crazy, I break down, and just break everything.

Its sad. I wish I was truly happy with my life, and I have the feeling its going to be hell until I leave where I am now.

my summer has been officially ruined...

because apparently, i can't go to my concert. I can't have Internet, I can't have a new cell phone, I can't get anything if I don't get skinny, I can't get this, i can't get that, I can't go there, i can't do this.


what was the point of happily waiting for the time to finally have fun, to be let down, AGAIN

over shit that really doesn't make much sense to be mad at me for?

Lemme NAME you guys this time, oh lovely family members of mine

One of you is: A bitch with an anger so uncontrollable, I will one day throw something at your head just to see if you shut up.

Another one of you is: A gossip whore who needs to get over the fact you aren't royalty. You also need to realize just how much your words can hurt, because gossiping and exaggerating the truth just causes more problems, and the shit you say breaks apart relationships that don't need anymore abuse.

The other one of you is: A Coward. The bitch says something, and you take her side, but when she's not looking you agree with me. The gossip whore says shit, and you automatically believe! I'm not surprised though, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER, THE FUCKING LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. 'oh if she dies, I die too!' Are you married to her or something? I wonder what she'd say if knew that you say she drives you crazy as well.

I wonder just when this will stop? AHAH probably never. Such beautiful people right?

I hope when i leave, they suffer. And if they ever...EVER beg back for me, I will ignore their calls, because all they've given me is lies.

'i love you' ?

Those are words that slip out your mouths with no feeling at all. the truth is, you're saying 'i hate you'

Because I've heard your conversations...I hid within the dark, where you couldn't see me, I've heard the names you've called me, and the things you've considered me, and just how much "love" you have for me.

I just want to say thank you

for never caring about my feelings at all.


You are the angel of Courage.You run into things head on, but not blindly. You never bow down to your enemies, and protect your friends no matter what. You very fun to hang around with, and you drag your <span class=

Monday, July 13, 2009


was supposed to get tickets at hammerstein ballroom for Katy Perry show, turns out I needed to order them -_-

and I was going to do that two weeks ago >:/ now I hope there are tickets left to buy! because when I went to tickemaster it kept saying it couldn't find what I requested and I tried everything they said to to fix the prob -__- hopefully it will work tomorrow.

went to work today, to do nothing.

had grilled cheese and fries for dinner 8] yum.

my cousin and his son which is my cousin too came to visit us :O

and I found out my little cous is sick ;__; well nto really sick but...

well he's hyperactive dad says and has ADD and they give him medications to calm him down n stuff. He also has probs with speech and learning ._______.

He barely remembers me though, because last time I saw him was at his 2 year old birthday.

Says my dad is his grandpa xDDD he's adorable man.

I hope he'll be fine...

I'm bit bored atm, BUT my parents are sleeping at my grandma's house ;DD since grandma's at puerto rico my mom says she wanted dad sleeping over there with her cause everytime she sleeps at our place she can't sleep at all.

Dad says I'm supposed to be offline at 11 pm. but like o.o he's not here and I'm probably gonna stay on later?

When I go to bed I'll try not to make noise when walking around :o

8] freedoooooooom woot woot.

k byez. xD

Saturday, July 11, 2009



my mother woke me up from talking loudly on phone at 6:30 am to people in puerto rico about my grandmother's arrival and medications -.-'''

I couldn't fall back asleep soooo started watching tv o.0 and there's this Halloween movie playing on's so corny and weird xDDD

like the dudes parents got killed and took him so long to realize xDDDD shows how much he cares. he went to friends house saying he hadn't seen his parents in a few days I was like wtf you LIVE with them XDDDD

then they find his parents bodies in his house, and his friends are like "lets call 911!!....whats their number again?" i was just like /facepalm

now apparently the killer is inside of him xD controlling his body, and now he's at this girl's place (he has huge crush on) its pretty entertaining

NOW I was writing here yesterday but uh xDDD had to go to bed and i forgot i never finished my post, or posted anything at all xD

sooo yesterday i was supposed to post this:

Good Stuff:

I got payed 60 bucks for working this week 8]

and my uncle came to visit yaaaaay :D

that was the only good stuff of the day I guess XD

Bad Stuff:

My mom slept over and as usualy had her moody self -.-''


I get so freaked of thunder cause its so loud XDD freaks me out. Lightning scares me a bit as well o.o the flashing is bright and I would think it's gonna hit window and break it or somethin xDD


yah I wanted to post that yesterday.

the movie I mentioned is so weird o.o the girl he has huge crush on pulled him into her house and into her room and started makin out with him xDDD and the killer controlling his hand movements n crap almost choked her while kissing like 3 times XDDD then he said hold on and tied his hand on bed railing with some string and the girl's all "oooo YOU'RE KINKY heeheehee"

omg. xDDD

well im done on here for now X3 laterz

all that i got~

yaaaah, that song's pretty nice xD vid's bit crappy but whatever, the only one I found that was okay.

I'm supposed to be cleaniiiing...yaaaah.

I haven't started and I have to go get ready for work in like 40 minutes.

oh well, If I do nothing now then I do rest tonight, cause unlike dad, I don't think mom's coming home~

oo, my friend amelia from like 8th grade :o sent me this foward msg thing:
(not gonna put all the fwd shits here i cba too and dnt care much for)

FWD: If you saw me in 20 years wearing a wedding ring who do you think i would be married to? If you're brave send this to ten people.

Well, ofc I didn't send to ten people, I'm too lazy to. xD So i sent back to her saying I didn't know who she would marry and sent to my other friend Sheniece.

Amelia said "Omg alex--it would be sasuke of course lol, you would be married to naruto"

Our little inside joke in 8th grade cause we were naruto obsessed back then XD So she was ms. uchiha (cause she loves sasuke) and I was ms. uzumaki (cause I love naruto xD)

lalala xDD yaaah. then I sent it to Sheniece and she said "idk, some japanese person"

and I was just thinking to myself, am I that obsessed with japanese stuff or something? xDDDD

I didn't even know I show it off that much, oh well.

I laughed at myself eventually and just went /facepalm at the fact its probably pretty obvious xDDD

so yeah, I think I better get cleaning, so hopefully I'll be back on later who knows.

ttyl ;O

Thursday, July 9, 2009

new new new old new new new new old new new new..

ok, well...the title was out of boredom xD



I am working for noooow.

mother didn't go to work, and i had feeling that was gonna happen, so i'm gonna be working with dad o:

....even though i nothing xD


i gotta learn my way around that store

bleeeh i feel so im gonna get angry at anything xD

and almost empty somewhat.

i think its cause...

i miss her...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

same old same old

parents had big argument today, dad even threw his keys towards mom and she said if that hit her she would've hit him and then there would have been real trouble :s

dad left the store angry after throwing a stair ladder around where mom was.

and then mom spoke to me about how she thinks she's gonna leave my dad and leave him for good if this continues and how she's dealt with it for over 20 years and she's tired of it v.v

she also said she doesn't blame me for having a bad attitude because this is all i've known. Since I was a baby all I've seen was arguing arguing arguing. but that I need to change my attitude to get anywhere x.x

bunch of shit xD and dad's sick and being stubborn but tomorrow I'm taking him to the doctor because I am not letting him go when he's about to die - -'''

so gonna have to call padrino (since I'm going to anyway) at 10 like I promised and explain about our day together tomorrow. I might have to go with him to central park later since I'm takin dad to doc's tomorrow early.

He should understand :o

I also have to make a michael jackson cd for my cousin, and I have to call johnny too o.o''

guess thats all for now xD later! Waving Emoticon Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

- -

nvm xDDD i still gotta add other ppl x.x its my ooollldd phoneboo list basically, from like 8th grade xD


woo hooooooo

well uh, hello there xD it's been a while yet again - -'

well uh lets see.

power wire from comp got taken away, then I got really pissed, then I broke my cell phone XD

I laugh at that now.

uhhh i guess for now im using the not so well working palmone old ass phone dad had put away XD and camera sucks big time o.o looks so grainy n shitz.

gotta see if i put my sim card in ma's phone will it show all my numbers so i can at least write down or somethin o.o

......and i just found a paper with some numbers of ppl i know -.-'''

some of the numbers are old though so...xD


I went to BJ's with dad and my bro eric. Eric was telling me bout this chick at his school and how she went up to him and yelled out "OMG YOU'RE SO HOT" XDDDDD! I laughed so much when he told. And he said he asked her if she was crazy <;)))" XDD he says he's not too sure if he should get with her though cuz like :o she's 24...and he's 43 XDDDD

but eh, i told him like look at my mom and our dad v,v 14 years difference, so like xD i don't think age really matters if u like her like that. and yah 8D

now i'm home and missed the spanish soap opera I wanted to watch, but like :o im gonna check online to see if they show the episode, so far what mom said that happened was goooood. and she said she saw my quidance counselor on tv o.o on spanish channel, speaking about cuba where's she's from o:

and uhhh thats it for now?


and now the contacts from my sim card just went into my phonebook on the phone o.o lucky me

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I blame pms and anger that has been held inside for years -.-

yesterday was on imvu, at first happy to be with all meh bffs, then suddenly anger boiled inside of me and gaaaawwwd. I really was ragin. frowning for hours, and had to punch wall and pillow then do wii boxing to calm self down. but then was sad, then got mad all over again -___-.


I never ever ever ever ever ever wanted to hurt my bffs online. because they are the ones that I don't have in real, and truly deserve to be treated well especially by me.

I acted like such bitch i swear, i wake up regretting going online. I should've just like, went to bed.

So, to anyone I acted like bitch to yesterday:

I apologize deeply for my uncontrollable anger. You guys saw the side of me I never wanted to show. And I couldn't control at all when I should have, it was just really bad yesterday. it was a type of feeling that just went through whole body and I didn't know what to do about.

I am so so so so sorry. I hurt the people I love and I hate myself so much for it .______.

I'm so sorry...

I love you all very much, forgive the monster inside, because all she wants is the end of betrayal and the feeling of love.

apologies to all of you again.