Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Niece....


had a very bad day, not gonna write it all here.

but niece slept over today, and we were pictochatting on ds, and then she started saying real touching things..

She started saying that she loves me very much, and how I'm the big sis she never had...

Also that whenever I'm angry or sad, or whenever I cry, she's sad and cries too, because she hates seeing someone she loves being so down. She said she wants me to be happy, and that she loves me very very very much.

goooosh, i felt like crying while reading all that...

didn't know my emotions affected her much. i feel bad. mom just says so much shit about me, i truly believe she should have never given birth to me if she hates me so much. like there's absolutely no love from her, and i have no love for her anymore. none at all.

i get angry, i get sad, i get depressed, i get all these feelings, and it upsets me that i can never be happy.

would like to be happy, and only way i see that happening is if i never see her again. because every time i see her, its one argument after the other. instead of pointing out the good stuff about me, she points out the bad.

like seriously. I've been through this for how many years already? it needs to stop. and dad needs to stop saying that soon he wont be around anymore and my mothers gonna be the one taking care of me.

because seriously, ive been telling him since I was 3, that if he goes, i go with him.

its sad, that I live with all this shit. on and off breakups and getbacktogethers, nonstop arguing EVERY day, being put down by my mother all the time, arguing with dad about the way he speaks at times, its crazy.

I want it to end. I wish we could just like, move down to florida, or puerto rico, or even virginia. me and dad. bring grandma along. We'll be happy. like no arguments, BARELY.

if we do its cause of some stupid thing. and then we get over it quickly...I would be able to see my brother if i go to florida. i'd get to see my nieces and nephews. i'd live in an awesome safe area. and have fun like always. would be able to go out and possibly start liking myself and losing weight?

it's be nice...

but its still a dream....and dreams dont always come true.

Its not just fam probs either, its relationship as well. I wait forever for my girl to msg me, then i go on her pro and bam, its all changed, msgs from her friends there indicate she's been speaking with them, but what about me, her gf? like, I wait here forever, just to get the lil paragraph of conversation she sends to me every what? few weeks? months even.

I get the feeling she doesnt even wanna be with me anymore, and i act like it wont hurt, but im realising just how crazy i'll go. because I love her, but i feel like she's probably unsure about being with a girl? I have no idea whats up, but thats how I feel.

if she wants to break it off with me, then break it off. it will hurt less knowing now and getting it over with, then suffering here waiting for her msgs, and being ignored.

I love her so much...

so if this happens,

will I be able to let her go after this lasting for so long?...