Sunday, August 30, 2009

blubblubblub

ahhh, haven't posted for while so here i am xD

went to that spanish concert on friday and was good~

¬_¬ but this bish behind me kept screaming through WHOOOLE show

I wanted to break her damn mouth >x[ its one thing to scream of happiness cuz of singer, and then its another thing when screaming every fucking minute or 2 for now reason, while everyone's trying to listen to the singer SING -_-

I wanted to turn around and scream in her face, -_- tell her her mouth was bigger than my own body, and if she'd like me to break that mouth for her since she wouldn't shut up -___-

BUT I'M SUCH NICE PERSON, I DEALED WITH IT.

-___-'' being kind gets in the way too much for me...

anywayz xD

yeah show was good.

annnd yeah...

I have to download every song i own again!

CUZ FREAKIN COMP LOST ALL SONGS SUDDENLY WHEN I TRIED SYNCING PHONE TO PUT MUSIC IN IT.

and now phone also isn't taking songs I sync into it.

such bs v.v

I'm taking my time downloading each song xD like, a few artists each night.

so far up to the letter E.

blegh.

also saw dancing show again, voted for TWO groups this time online xDD

they are so hard to choose between V_V!

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/dance_crew/voting.jhtml?episodeId=4937 click! u can watch the vids of each group's dance o:

me and my dad's faves were massive monkeys and rhythm city x]

and during show dad started saying i should've gotten iphone instead of phone i got, and lately I've been thinking that xD cuz of issues with it so far.

he stared at me when i told him, and I just grinned, I asked if its possible to change phone on new contract and he said doesn't know, so i gotta call company tomorrow x_x

dunno if im getting that phone, im also worried if i get it, for some reason have feeling will have probs with if i do xD


ALSO! i love eminem's song Beautiful

-points down- LISTEN


MusicPlaylist
MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com



it makes me want to have the confidence that I don't have

"don't let them say you ain't beautiful.."

Wish I could feel beautiful xD have the confidence to walk down a hall with my head up high, instead of always looking down.

would make big diff i think.

~sigh~

this song makes me wanna cry V_V

its pointing out that we all go through shit in life, i mean, who doesn't xD

but you gotta love yourself and have the confidence that things will get better ya know?

"...Hell we dont gotta trade our shoes

And you dont gotta walk no thousand miles


In my shoes, just to see
What its like, to be me
I'll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like
To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you..."

Friday, August 28, 2009

LaLaLaLa

Woot Woot Woot

bleh.

today I'm going to a spanish concert (its called polito vega, if u wanna know who i'm gonna see, go to ticketmaster and search it for friday's [today, august 28th] show and you'll see the spanish singers names on right hand side i believe when you click date~

so yeah.

i straightened my hair, and here's pic of me doing so xD

Photobucket

gawd i look awful x.x whatever

anyway xD

my mother came ¬_¬ to iron clothes for me and dad.

I was gonna do so but V_V she beat me to it. I was doing my hair still when she came.

then before she left, started arguing xDDD

my room's a mess and she kept walking around in it, moving stuff, and I'm just watching her from corner of my eye, waiting to see just WHEN she's gonna start yelling xD and what do ya know 8] she started just few minutes after staring at things.

complaining how i'm a pig and such v-v and reason why my father wants to leave with grandma is cause of me, and reason why she doesnt come here anymore is cause of me.

cause I'm a pig and don't clean properly and everytime she comes argues with me, so she hates coming here xD

I was thinking to myself "good, I don't want you here anyway" V_V

not nice to say bout mom but XD it's true v.v

yesterday she told me how this girl came asking to be adopted :O

and she was 14 and overweight with low self esteem like me v-v

mom said she was thinking of adopting her, and believe it or not i would'nt mind xD

I'm pretty lonely, my brother and sisters like, never see me xD cept for billy, he comes around time to time and calls and texts.

but yeah, would be nice to have a sister with me. mom said the kid would love her and all, she would be the daughter loving her cause her true daughter (me) doesn't xD but then she started saying today that she isn't so sure cause wouldn't be able to hit her cause that isn't her child -_-''' (mom is a true abuser in the mind, already thinking of slapping the kid)

she said she can at least slap me around, and I just laughed pretending to not be bothered by those words..xD

well, i finished my hair, but it feels so...plain xD i wanna make it go....WOW 0_0

x.x ....

well i just fixed it in a way that i like a lot now xDD

here's pic :D

Photobucket

YAYNESS

well i better go get ready now :o

TAH TAH FOR NOW LOVES ;O

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I don't feel love. I feel hate.

I don't feel comfort. I feel pain.

I don't feel hugs. I feel stabs.

I don't feel cushions. I feel glass.

I don't feel happiness. I feel anger.

I don't feel butterflies. I feel sick.

I don't feel warm. I feel cold.

I don't feel soft. I feel coarse.

I don't feel fun. I feel bored.

I don't feel together. I feel torn.

I don't feel love. I feel hate.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


MusicPlaylist
Music Playlist at MixPod.com



Well, I didn't post yesterday cause wasn't in blogging mood, apologies~

WELL, update update..

My grandmother and mom have been wanting to go to this spanish concert, and its on friday. So yesterday night went with dad to get the tickets, and the dude told dad that the shows on for two days, friday AND saturday, and he asked which would he like. Dad decided to let people pass in line and call mom.

She said she didn't want to make that choice, so to call grandma. So he did, and grandma chose saturday.

We got the tickets, like $450 for all four -__- i swear, we could've let the concert pass, I lived without the concerts I wanted to see, grandma can too.

so much damn money spent I was shocked.

But whatever, dad didn't want to hear grandma's annoying mouth later on.

after we got tickets, we went walking around, looking at the stores, then when we got back in the car on way home, mom called me.

Started saying not to get the tickets to the show for saturday because saturday is something else. She told me it wasn't who we wanted to see, and I told dad, he got really pissed, then bunch of arguing and he said how he knew this would cause problems yadayada.

Grandma was one most at fault here -_- cause apparently she knew about the fact that saturday was a different show and didn't tell us that she knew! so caused a bunch of probs, and made dad pissed at me cause I said I didn't want to see that show, and he got pissed at mom too, and was acting so stubborn and childish today -___-

He even told me "get away, I hate you" when I tried hugging him and pushed me away.

ALL THIS SHIT OVER A SHOW.

I cried, and he laughed at me crying, I told him he didn't need to say that, and he's being mad at me for no reason.

then things got...a lil better I guess. We went out to the mall, and I bought a usb for my phone so i can put music in it, and it turned out to be only a charging usb for the phone -___-

and dad argued with me again when I tried working usb crap out, and he kept saying in car before that he's walking away from this family, leaving me with mom, and leaving grandma in puerto rico.

It pisses me off, because I tell him I'm gonna follow him, and he says no I'm staying with mom because I'm disrespectful, like wtf did I do?

I can not stand this anymore.

so much arguing, and most of the shits blamed on me, and I didn't even DO anything.

this family, isn't even a family. and no one wants me anyway, no one loves me here, and I love them...do I need to show it in a better way in order to be loved back?

seriously, and I can't have much love left for them anyway, I feel too hated, and unwanted.

By my own family.

NO one loves me in this house.

I wish I had a family that actually showed love to each other, instead of nonstop anger and hate.



when can I stop crying?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Today I...

Cleaned today, but at first wasted time on comp with waste, then started cleaning at like 3:30 or something xD

finished at like 4:30, was pretty fast cause I turned off comp so i don't get distracted.

was relieved when i was done, then grandma told me when I went downstairs after showering and stuff that mom brought dinner, this time i liked, and I was starving, didn't eat a thing all day xD

yeeaaah, so i ate, then went to store.

there was a rose there by the table so i asked where'd mom and dad get the rose from xD

mom said dad said that he found it in the gate...I was like...wha? xD

I looked at dad, and he pointed to mom like "her fault!" xD then he started saying how it was her boyfriend who left that there, and that he put it there to see if he would get jealous


xD mom said "and I wonder who that is" cause dad always says how she has another bf besides him xD which isnt true.

then dad said its stupid to put a rose in the gate to make him jealous, cuz he wont be jealous, he'll just send the bf a thank you letter xDDD i cracked up.

dad and his funny self~

later on visited my bro, then went to supermarket and got milk and bread, and rice pudding, and two doggy dish foods for kippi, and dad got his oranges, and that was it.

grandma told me kippi doesnt eat those small dog food dish things i got him, but i fed it to him before and he loved them -_- she probably just wants to continue leading the dog to his death bed earlier than wanted -.-'''

she likes feeding him our food, and that got him addicted to our food, and now he barely eats his kibble. only time he does is when im in the kitchen eating, because he knows I don't give him food.

mom had told me they showed some program on tv about that, that its bad to feed dogs our food because they can also get diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure, from eating our kind of food. well, she's sending him dying, not me
. and when he dies, and she cries, i'll be watching her, because she can't blame anyone else xD

1. I never wanted that specific dog, so she can't get mad if I don't cry.
2. She can't blame anyone else but herself, for feeding all that crap to him.

wow, i totally went from calm to angry in this post xD...

bleh, anyway.

when I went to see my bro, him and dad started talkin in car in spanish bout my sister. I pretended I couldn't understand while listening to my ipod.

bro started saying how she's getting "worse" how she's back in the hospital, and she hallucinates stuff.

people would look around in the street and she'll think they are looking at her, people would laugh in the street and she'll think they are laughing at her.

it gets worse and worse...my bro said. I'm worried about her...

also, i found out my niece got left back in school. She isn't a senior, she's a junior, again.

she was saying she was, but she wasn't.


she had left her bag in her grandmother's house, and her grandmother is nosy. so she looked through her bag and found her report card.

her mother doesnt take such bullshit and might kick her out for this, and she said she'll just get a job and rent a place, but my bro says where she lives (in florida) rent's like 800-900 bucks a month, and the jobs pay less there. she thinks its gonna be easy.

nothing in life's easy darlin' xD get that in yer head.

I love my niece, but I'm upset that she let herself fall that far, apparently she isn't what i thought she was.

i want her to finish high school, go to college, and get a good career to support herself.

but that's probably not happening, i wish I could talk to her, find out whats going on, of course can't believe what everyone says, no one knows what could be going on at home.

or at school,

or maybe she's just a lazy bum. but whatever.

I'm just gonna pray for her, and hope that she gets a better attitude, and sees whats the sacrifice behind her choices.

v__v sigh..

well, i'm gonna stop now. don't wanna think of such this late. bye byez.


......


tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

is it time to wake up from this nightmare yet?...


nope...

maybe if I sleep, I'll wake up eventually...back to reality..back to a happy life style...

or maybe, the nightmare was reality this whole time?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

wompwompwoooomp

Hello all ~ :D

well, I woke up at like, 12pm today o.o.

My sis-in-law texted bout this japan festival thing that was going on today o: I wanted to go, and asked dad, but he said I could go alone, and I don't like going alone to places like that xD

always need someone with, and the only friend i can possibly go with wouldn't be able to go with me most likely. And I'm not speaking with my other ones so~

I had breakfast with dad, he made good coffee for me o.o

then he started taking about the bureau in his room, he's gonna use the parts to make a closet downstairs in grandpa's old room o:

I helped out, and got annoyed cleaning out stuff from it while sitting on the floor, cause my knees start to hurt a lot xD I went back and forth between comp, and dad. On comp I talked to Vince :o he starts school tomorrow, and today I wanted to talk to him as much as I can before he had to go to bed.

He only got to sneak fifteen minutes after ten DX wish he could've stayed up till eleven.

I hope he has a good day though v.v

Well, we didn't finish breaking apart bureau, but eventually we'll have it done x.x i hope.

after cleaning out crap and throwing junk out, had to shower and go to grandma's place to get dinner from mom for us~ I showered for like, an hour xD cause I started washing my hair, and dad got pissed, and mom called asking where the hell i was. I just stayed in shower, washing out conditioner 8] and since i put so much, in result i get super softness ~_~

Dad told me to tell mom when I got there that he loves her but that she abandoned him today and he won't forget that. I told her, and she said that she at least cooked, because her feet are hurting her a lot and she didn't want to get up. and on way out she was behind me taking trash out, and I accidentally dropped my headphone from hand, ones to my ipod, then she saw and said she didn't understand why I needed to bring that shit xD

and I just got annoyed cause she was already beginning to blabber and complain, so I just yelled "ok, good bye" while walking away quickly xDDD

thank gawd the food was at least good -.- she actually made me something separate that I liked, so I enjoyed eating my food xD

then me and dad went to barnes n noble o: ordered my book for school x.x I got this manga called hot gimmick, he got a magazine, and we renewed barnes n noble membership o:

so now whenever we buy stuff there, we save a certain percent depending on whats bought o.o

and we got home just in time to watch ABDC 8D this week most of the groups didn't do so great as they usually do though :s only 2 stuck out. oh shit i gotta vote o_o -goes to mtv site-


.............................


ks I voted 8D

Now everytime we see show, dad wants me voting for one of the groups xD


and atm he's syncing his iphone to his laptop but is having probs with the transferring of music, and I helped him with certain things, but oh gosh...xD

TECHNOLOGY HAS RUINED OUR MINDS.

eh, not really, least not yet...or maybe it HAS...hmmmm....


a question left unanswered v.v

thats it now x3 bye byez

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Manos Al Aire~

ahhh I love this song now :3

Manos al aire by nelly Furtado

-> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_Ki7NpGhGk&feature=related

lyrics translation is mostly incorrect, so dont bother reading that xD

Well lets see~

today I woke up at like 1 pm.

had gooood long sleep. Then decided I should look for the school book that I bought while back for summer assignment.

AND I can't find it -_-

Gonna have to buy it again, and dad says the other one might appear when I buy the new one cause thats how it always happens. xD

things appear when you replace them/don't look for anymore.

I hate that.

luckily the book's only 2 bucks, then plus shipping is 6 bucks in all >:/ wouldve been REALLY pissed if was like 25 bucks or something like that.

Then went to store, grandma notices I'm still bit angry, cuz I didn't go downstairs to greet her or to even eat, and when I went downstairs it was to tell her I was leaving xD

and she was just all "ok" in her supposedly nice voice.

When I got to store, stayed with mom and dad, things were as usual. Then we took mom to meat place so she can buy meat to cook for dinner and stuff. While I was waiting with dad in car I signed into msgr and spoke with johnny :o its been a while since we had spoken, i missed him xD

then we dropped mom off so she can put away meat in grandma's house, then we all went to seaport 8D and I had my breakfast/lunch/dinner (hadn't eaten at all like i said before so xD bought food and ate) we also got pretzels :o

was goooood.

afterwards we basically spoke I guess then went bathroom break then left xD I got on msgr on phone again on way home, and spoke with johnny again, then finally got on comp when home for last ten minutes johnny got to stay x.x

Amazing that when johnny has to go early, dad ends up having to stop at a lot of places for stuff randomly -.- so that waste 50 minutes i could have used to talk to johnny on comp xD

bleh.

OH and This here is for Joona:

Photobucket

He requested pic of phone last night, so I said will take pic today and show 8]

that chain on it is something a sophomore/now junior from school gave me :o she had this nice chain similar to one I have there that she gave me, and I asked where she got it from, cuz i always wanted to have one for my phone, she told me it was this store round where she lived or something, and offered to get me one :D

So she did! and when I got new phone I said will use on it, and now I do x33

Its some strawberry xD and has clear and white beads :o

Its cute x3

oh and, since screen looks bit blurry, thats basically it saying hit key lock button to unlock phone and it shows time and date :o

yeah thats it for now o.o

:D laterz!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Bleheffthisplaceandallinityadayadaokontoblog

TODAY I:

1. went to see bro, for a kiss and hug, since he leave tomorrow afternoon to florida.
2. stayed at store, hoping to go out with dad for a ride.
3. spoke to this professor who teaches at the college of my high school (I go to Hunter High school, he works at Hunter college)
4. slept in dad's car while him and mom were at his old apartment cleaning out stuff for the guy who's renting the place now.
5. bought dinner for myself, and got pissed at grandmother.

well today was fine day,

That professor is really nice man o_o

I would love him as my teacher. He said can talk to him anytime, and we discussed like how I think will do in school this year and what I'm into for my future etc.

He talked most of the time then stated that he speaks a lot and apologized xD I just laughed saying was okay, cause he spoke about interesting things with me o_o

it was nice convo xD

he said too, that if I get the grade I want in chemistry in first semester or like in mid year (i want at least a B in that class) he would get me and my parents tickets to see In The Heights (he told me how the writer of that play graduated from my high school) I think i turned red saying he's too generous ( i even giggled oh gawsh)

He just smiiiiiled at me xD

He said its up to me, would I take the offer, and i was just like "yeah...I like seeing those shows so...." and he said ok then xD

He told me to search vid of that dude that wrote the play on youtube, so i'm gonna see it soon o.o and then email him later about it, cause he wants to know what I think of it. xD

so yeah, that part of the day made me seriously happy, cause I finally met that professor >x] been waiting to meet him for a while so...xD

ahhhh. anywayz, on with it alex, on with it xD

I came home, and started eating my dinner in kitchen, (which was chinese takeout) and dad was sitting across from me, then grandma came over and started talking with him as always.

and then she watched me eating and started saying "alex, the food you're eating right now isn't bad but...don't you think you should at least try losing 25 to 30 pounds before school starts?"

now you tell me, ISN'T THAT BIT RUDE TO SAY WHILE YOU'RE EATING?

Like seriously, I get enough from my mom and other fam members, and other people.

Now you gotta nag too, knowing just how much it hurts me?

I'm overweight, thanks for stating the fucking obvious xD

I'm so sick of this already. I started yelling that I'm gonna die, it doesnt matter, no one will care, I'll go commit suicide in river by house right now because no one in this house loves me yadayadayada, bunch of depression shit xD

dad told me to stop and I cried saying it was true, I feel no one loves me, I should have never been born, I was never wanted, etc.

and he knew. HE KNEW what grandma said wasn't the right thing to say. She got pissed cause I got pissed like wtf xD she told me won't be washing my clothes anymore. Ya know what, fine. I'll go wash my clothes at washing machine place, and she can stayed with her boredom as much as she wants xD thats only reason she washes clothes anyway. BOREDOM

I'm not gonna settle for that shit anymore, seriously. Leave me the fuck alone, I'm gonna lose weight when I can.

And I don't care if she stays mad, those "you know I love you"s were all bullshit and I knew it xD

Yeah I got REAL pissed.

She said she's leaving, she goes to puerto rico in november, I sure can't wait xD freedom from the 2nd bitch in house, yaaaaay.

anywayz. I think i'm good for now. My friends always make me feel better.

and they make me forget, for the time that I'm on here, I forget everything, because of them xD

I love them so much man D:

wonder what would life be like without~

without my online buds?

probably lots of hell~

and loneliness~

So I'm greatful to everyone I've met on here :3 you all know who you are.

___________________________________________________

Bombing For Peace... Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, August 20, 2009

MWAHAHAHAHA SO FREAKIN HAPPY

GUESS FREAKIN WHAT 8D!!!!


I GOT MY NEW PHONE FINALLY!!!!!!!

LG VU Pictures, Images and Photos

I LOOOOVE IT 8DDDDDDDD

so damn happy over a phone oh gawsh xDDD

but yeah 8D its like TOUCHSCREEN...and totally ROCKS MY WORLD roflz

anyway~ I got unlimited text plan and it includes going on msgr :3 so I CAN TALK TO BUDS ON MSN WHEREVER 8D

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

RAHAHAHA

might be going to see my bro tomorrow :O cuz he's going to florida on saturday with niece, so wont be able to see him for a week, and mom wants to go give kiss and hug xDDD

ALSO! I gotta make mom her cd request...xDD havent even made folder for or downloaded the songs im missing from her list~

oh well o_o will eventually make it!


I gotta call my school too, to find out how to switch teachers, older students/classmates tell me we can change teachers we dont want to have this year, but gotta do before semester starts.

and i sure dont want that ms. more-homework bitch xDDD I'd prefer Ms. walsh x3

Mom also wants (or is thinking of, idk) to make letter to send to principal to get approval of bringing in my cell phone to school o.o they say we need to write letter stating why I need it, will show to security guards, and then they'll remember I'm allowed to bring it in.

I HOPE WILL HAPPEN :3

mom will lie ofc, say that i go to work afterschool and such yadayada xD

HM HM HM

I'M THINKING OF GETTING PERMISSION TO BUY A VERY SPECIAL SOMEONE AN AWESOME GIFT

BUT! I'm afraid of getting heartbroken again ;o since person ¬_¬ ex bff...I sent her WHOLE family gifts in germany...and now she doesnt speak to me anymore, shows how considerate she truly is :'''3 I got rejected by her yeah, doesnt mean I'm gonna mope forever xD fuck man, I got OVER her, she needs to know she isnt someone I'm gonna be in love with for life ;o

my feelings for her now?

she's a piece of shit.

some friend she is...correction..some friend she WAS xDDD ignoring me and crap cuz of way I swing~

oh well, she can go to hell for all i care. Yeah I seem bit harsh, but now I realize just how it was xD and how it is now.

I'm glad I've overcome that border, cause it messed me up.

changed me a lot.

But I'M ALL GOOD.

:''3 yeah.



I'm alright.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

its over...i guess

Well...

I just sent my...

now ex, a msg.

breaking up with her.

sooo....

it's over now.

and I'm sure she'll be happy~

and I hope things go well for her...

Yeah it hurts. Like why wouldn't it...but its for the best...


Monday, August 17, 2009

Therapy


MusicPlaylist
MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com


Therapy - All Time Low

My ship went down

In a sea of sound
When I woke up alone I had everything
A handful of moments
I wished I could change
And a tongue like a nightmare
That cut like a blade

In a city of fools
I was careful and cool
But they tore me apart like a hurricane
A handful a moments
I wished I could change
But I was carried away

Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can keep all your misery

My lungs gave out
As I faced the crowd
I think that keeping this up could be dangerous

I'm flesh and bone
I'm a rolling stone
And the experts say I'm delirious

Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can take back your misery

Arrogant boy
Love yourself so no one has to
They're better off without you
(They're better off without you)

Arrogant boy
Cause a scene like you were supposed to
They'll fall asleep without you
You're lucky if your memory remains

Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can take back your misery

Therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can choke on your misery


that song is awesome~

________________________________________________________________


Alex, what's wrong?


I don't know...



Is it the words? Do the words hurt?



Maybe...



Must you always be this way? So damn down. Why don't you just TRY already, it's not so hard. You're so lazy...why don't you just DO the stuff that's good for you? You're so stub--


Shut the fuck up...I don't need any more lecturing, especially from YOU...

Awww...I'm sorry...but it's true what they say you know...it's true what your nephew says...are you just gonna stay all your life crying at those words? Make a change and they won't happen anymore...


leave me alone...


If you keep running from the truth, by the time you realize you should have listened, it'll be too late.


Shut up, shut up, shut up!...Maybe it's better that it ends up being too late anyway!


Tsk tsk...you shouldn't be like that Alex...


I told you...shut up....just let me die slowly already, when my time comes everyone can be happy...


Is all this cause of her too?


.............


-chuckles- it is isn't it? Let go of her already, she obviously no longer cares.


Thanks so much for this comfort?...Leave me alone already...I don't need any of this...I have a headache...


...alright then...-chuckles-....


...ugh........


...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

great

I felt like going on gfs page again, just for the feeling of having her near. still got no msg from her..

but there's more msgs between her and her buddies.... .____.

i think she's ignoring me. officially.

i mean, cmon :/ I wait so long, why wont she msg me since she's been getting online, not everyday, but like every few weeks, just once in a while.

is this really gonna last, I have doubt it will. I think she wants to get rid of me, but doesnt want to hurt me.

I wish she'd just msg me and say it already .__.

this hurts, and its just something on top of my not so great day..

fuck..

I'm gonna get depressed again.

TODAY

1. cleaned, but didnt finish
2. went with bro, nephew, and dad to zoo for few hours
3. got food to eat
4. brought nephew and bro to house for a few
5. bought grandma food
6. continued the cleaning i didn't finish.



~___~ ima, ima, a diva, ima, ima, a diva~

now i love that song. ¬0¬

anywayz back to my day

Yeah was bit stressful, my nephew misbehaves so much now.

and he comments on my overweightness -_- last time he came he said i was pregnant...now he started saying today i really need to lose weight, and if i go sit on certain things they'll break ._______________.

he was like another image of my mother in a little kid, i just stared at him quietly not knowing wtf to say. I told dad in private and he said I gotta tell him not to say that cause it's bad. But wtf man, when people tell me stuff like that so easily, I stay shocked, and can't speak.

it hurt, and I still can't believe my nephew said it.

I'm pretty much sitting here saying I hate myself xDDD

gawsh..

I thought I'd be happy coming home, I just feel stress.

felt stressed out aaalll daaay....

im tired.

REAL tired.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

SCHOOL SCHEDULE

p1 - Morey- english (grrr)
p2- Riordan - history
p3- Damato - geometry
p4 - lunch duh xD lol
p5 - advisory (hanemann yay!)/phys ed oconnor x.x...
p6- Disanto (WOO!) spanish 2
p7- Rosser - chem
p8- Rosser chem again o_O
p9- freeeedoooom
p10 - Jewram - research

x__x im scared already!

OMG. I got Ms. morey for english fuck D:

I wanted ms. walsh!!! THE BEST ENGLISH TEACH EVER

>___ more hw.

FUCKER FUCK FUCK

but at least I got ms. hanemann for advisory :DDD and mr. disanto for spanish (-drool @ his sexy spanish voice-)

I don't know much bout the others, cept for O'connor cause I had him already xDDD gonna have him for next 2 years so.

and I heard rosser's an asswhole :s

ANYWAY ENOUGH OF SCHOOL XDDDD

Went to target with parents and got more school stuff xD (reminds me, i still have summer assignment to do! ¬_¬)

I got some awesome glittery pens, and stylish pens, and pencils :D made me happy.

My mom keeps talkin about hot guys with me xDDD

there's this asian one in the pharmacy by their job...and he's so beautiful o__o i would kill to have him lmao

My mom mentioned this lifeguard dude too that came to the store to buy something xD and they spoke and he's chinese and puerto rican, and mom says he's the one for me xDDD I asked her like wth, you're already choosing my future husband?? and she said nooo he's just someone she believes i will like rofl xD

I still talk about the asian from pharmacy though and say how cute he is xD

AND LOOK AT WHAT WE SAW ON OUR WAY HOME!

Photobucket

my dad said look at that person's license plate when i was looking out window, then I looked in front and rofled! XD I took out cam at perfect time xDDD

MZ PEPSI

AHAHAHAHA

I cracked up xD then started thinking "YEAH BOY, PEPSI FTW"

:DDD I had good day I guess. x333

well thats all for now! later~

Friday, August 14, 2009

New Hair!!

My cam decided to work like 2 hours later :D

SO HERE'S MY PICS OF MY HAIR BEFORE AND AFTER!!



BEFORE:
Photobucket

AFTER:
Photobucket

I look so angry in second one o.o...........

New Hair!

I went to salon and got my hair cut today :D

without those bishes! all by myself ^_______________^

texted amelia, we may plan a day to go out ;o

I LOVE MY HAIR but my camera's being an ass, so might take pic with webcam instead to show tomorrow.

Joona gave me advice last night and truly helped me feel better V_V MUCH THANKS TO HIM!

not much to say xD just the hair thing. yeah...

im gonna see if cam works later ;o

lalala later

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Betrayal

I would like to know

What is it about me that people hate so much?

Yah know, was supposed to get my hair done with Chasity today.

Now guess how long I waited to find out she came then went back home without even bothering to come to my dad's store to see if I was there?

4 and a half hours.

4 and a half fucking hours, I sat in my dad's store, actually WORRIED that something happened.

Boy was that bullshit. I called Elyse and she called Chas's house for me.

And what do yah know, she came, and didn't know if I was home or at the store, so tried calling me (i missed it, but I couldn't call back cause of some caller ID shit.) then decided to go back home and wait for me to get online.

WTF, she could have checked if I was home by calling out my name in front of the house, my grandmother would've told her to go to the store, where I was waiting.

Apologies, apologies. But this happened too many times already. Both her and Elyse always keep me waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Today I felt that it was the last straw. If you guys are such good "friends" of mine, fucking prove it.

I've had people act like friends to use me for years, and years, and they've all betrayed me!

That's why I feel having friends in real truly isn't worth my time, I should stick to family members and online friends.

I just finished crying in front of my dad saying I'm always betrayed, I've been betrayed my whole life.

And it's true.


I can't believe I even waited, thinking she'd come to the store, I should have gotten my hair done without her. It hurts, because I thought her and Elyse were my first true friends.

My parents themselves knew before me that they aren't true friends.

Always planning days with me, then coming 2 hours later then the time we planned, or not showing up at all, or planning days and then telling me about it later and I wonder why I wasn't invited.



They can all go to hell, I'm not treated as a sister, considering they call me their sister.


Fuck "friends" my only friends are here, on this computer through the internet, and they'll be the only true ones I'll ever have, if even THEY consider themselves true friends.

I'm amazed, saddened, angered, just sick and tired already...

I'm tired of being the nice girl and being treated like this

am i some piece of trash you play with when you're bored?

Then you wash your hands to just forget about me, only needing me when necessary...

just go wash off memories of me, forget we ever met, cause I see now...

No one ever fucking cared.

OH JOY

lalala~

why hello there o.o...

Well! I'm up early for once....but It's made me hungry -_- and i cba to go downstairs and eat...AND WTF ARE MY NEIGHBORS UPSTAIRS DOING -takes a broom and bangs cieling- YOU LIKE BANGING ON YOUR CIELING OR FLOOR AT 9:42 AM?!??!?!


anywayz

back to what i was saying..

I'm going to get my hair cut today with chasity :D at 12:30 or 1 pm. yayness.

I hope she gets here on time ¬0¬

I'm getting my hair done liiiike this:

short hairstyle


I like it a lot, and then when I get my purple, blue, and red colors put in towards end of month, will look AWESOME.

only thing I can say that I'm gonna be proud of thats on my body atm xD

well, barely no ones online ~_~ and only 2 ppl on imvu who I barely talk to, and ones a girl who thinks I'm a guy, oh joy.

I told her I'm a girl I don't think she believed me that day xDDD her fault if she thinks I lied.

I told her~ so I'm not in trouble :3

ok, I'm bored now here.

bye byez.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

DREEEAAM O_O

(BLOGGER IS BEING AN ASSWHOLE, SO I ONLY GET TO POST OOONNNEEE DREAM, I CBA TO TYPE ALL THE CRAP I JUST FINISHED TYPING ALL OVER AGAIN!!! ¬___¬!!!)


OMG xDDD

I had weird dreamS~

not just one dream, but a few xD


FIRST ONE: was with this cuuuuute guy o.o and in the dream he was like this really good friend, he was into acting, and wanted to try out for some play, I'm guessing this was during school. He had light skin, brown spiked hair, and some type of black and purplish suit on xD he looked niiice o; I think he was having probs getting into some other play before and was telling me how he practiced a lot and stuff but wasn't accepted and wants to be accepted this time, and he practiced practically to close to perfection he told me xD so I asked him to show me the part he practiced so hard for.

He wanted to play as the lead man, main guy in the story. and he said for now I'll be the main girl for him. xD

I don't know how, but I somehow knew where he wanted me to move, it's like his eyes told me where o.o and he showed me his moves, it was some type of dance intro in this part of the play. then he sat on the bed, and I sat on the bed. then he got up again and stared into my eyes, his eyes were quite lovely o.o a blueish green...

then suddenly I fell back, laying on the bed, and he layed behind me hugging me, turning really red, I was just staring at him like wtf xDDD

then he said "...and this is the part of the play where I have sex with you...." and he was blushing so much omg xDDDD

I just laughed at him saying he reminded me of someone but I couldn't remember who..

then we just stayed there laying on my bed holding each other, and that's how it ended.

he was soooo cute x333 I wish he was real! xD hey who knows o_o maybe he is! on the other side of the world! would be awesome if he was xD

(and that's it, i cba to write all my other 3 dreams all over again -____- damn blogger pissed me off..)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Big Brother

Woke up,
washed my mouth,
turned on computer,
said hey to my big brother. -_-

Maybe I should've never signed into AIM today!

I decided to sign in, and say hey to my bro, being first to say hi instead of the other way around. And just awesome, his questions of how I'm doing with my ears and all spread into a conversation of my depression -____-

We started out sort of arguing over the fact I don't want to take pills to be happy. I'm just gonna post parts of the convo -.- too lazy to write out whole convo myself..


Arekusandora225 (12:29:34 PM): he suggested medications for depression
Arekusandora225 (12:29:49 PM): and i didnt say it to him, but i told mom later on i wont
shadowdragonwb (12:30:03 PM): Like I said why not
Arekusandora225 (12:30:26 PM): those medications have been known to cause a lot damage than good..
Arekusandora225 (12:30:34 PM): *a lot more damaga
Arekusandora225 (12:30:38 PM): *damage goodness..
shadowdragonwb (12:33:16 PM): How would you know
shadowdragonwb (12:33:26 PM): they havent even prescribed you a drug yet
Arekusandora225 (12:33:48 PM): well...idk, i guess television stuff affects how i feel about it
shadowdragonwb (12:34:24 PM): what television stuff you have no idea what you are talking about
Arekusandora225 (12:35:45 PM): ...okaaaay. mom told me you had to take something and go to see someone, but I'm still not taking drugs to become happy. if im put to go talk to someone i'll be okay with that, but im not taking any pills..
shadowdragonwb (12:36:38 PM): You are being ridiculous
shadowdragonwb (12:36:55 PM): you have no reason not to
Arekusandora225 (12:37:04 PM): alright billy. i am being ridiculous, but its still my body.
shadowdragonwb (12:37:17 PM): yeah and you should do whats best for it
shadowdragonwb (12:37:25 PM): which means
shadowdragonwb (12:37:38 PM): you should take the prescription and do therapy
Arekusandora225 (12:38:05 PM): maybe i believe thats not whats best for it, maybe I believe that will just make me worse, maybe i believe the talking alone will help me from keeping all these feelings stuck inside.
shadowdragonwb (12:38:28 PM): Well maybe you are wrong considering you have no experience in this
shadowdragonwb (12:38:37 PM): are neither a doctor
Arekusandora225 (12:39:23 PM): why is it you talk like you know everything billy....I don't want to cause you to be angry, but I feel like you want this your way, whatever YOU think is best for me.
Arekusandora225 (12:39:47 PM): mom is actually supporting me and understand why i dont want to take drugs to be happy..
shadowdragonwb (12:39:57 PM): Listen to me
shadowdragonwb (12:40:11 PM): are you dense to the situation around you
shadowdragonwb (12:40:34 PM): First of all you have a genetic pre-disposition to mental illness and disorder
shadowdragonwb (12:41:01 PM): dont you see the history especially on the maternal side
Arekusandora225 (12:41:48 PM): ..yes..
shadowdragonwb (12:41:48 PM): Did you neglect to remember that
shadowdragonwb (12:42:04 PM): Now do you know what the biggest problem has been
shadowdragonwb (12:42:11 PM): They all think like you
shadowdragonwb (12:42:23 PM): No pills No pills
shadowdragonwb (12:43:04 PM): and look how fan-f-ing tastic they all are
shadowdragonwb (12:43:20 PM): Is that how you want to be in the future
shadowdragonwb (12:43:52 PM): You need a combination of therapy and a regimine of XX prescirption
shadowdragonwb (12:44:00 PM): the prescription will rebalance you
shadowdragonwb (12:44:18 PM): get you into a normal rythm
shadowdragonwb (12:44:32 PM): When you are back on track you can easily stop
shadowdragonwb (12:44:39 PM): So stop being so damn stubborn
Arekusandora225 (12:44:47 PM): ...
shadowdragonwb (12:44:56 PM): or do you prefer the other option

____________________________________


shadowdragonwb (12:47:54 PM): and yeah I dotn know everything but I think considering this was my field of study and I also experienced it first hand I am a little more educated than you in the topic
Arekusandora225 (12:48:46 PM): yes yes...we all know that.
shadowdragonwb (12:49:07 PM): Well then you think I would make you do something harmful
shadowdragonwb (12:51:41 PM): well
Arekusandora225 (12:52:25 PM): ..no, i dont think u would make me do something harmful..
shadowdragonwb (12:52:42 PM): well
shadowdragonwb (12:52:44 PM): then
shadowdragonwb (12:53:21 PM): Dont you want to feel better
shadowdragonwb (12:53:31 PM): about not only yourself but life in general
shadowdragonwb (12:53:42 PM): why would you deny yourself that
shadowdragonwb (12:59:22 PM): ?
shadowdragonwb (12:59:25 PM): Are you there
Arekusandora225 (12:59:35 PM): yes im here..






and that's how it ended. now he's away at lunch I'm guessing -.-

and I'm still not taking any pills, mom should have never opened her mouth this time, always telling my bro wtf is goin on with me as if he even lives with us, this was something we should've kept to ourselves. Just cause he took pills for his depression doesn't mean I have to -_-

He talks like he knows it all, and he doesn't. Just cause he studied this stuff doesn't mean he knows more about how I FEEL.

x_x I think I'm gonna avoid AIM for a while...

Might be going to the store soon...gonna discuss this with mother dear -_-

bye byez

Monday, August 10, 2009

OMG

MY RIGHT EAR OPENED XDD

I guess, least I hope so, I can hear through it for now at least <.<>8DDDD I seem so evil atm xD

lately I've been missing my brothers and sisters. especially ones in florida, I really wanna see them xD

even though mom said they wouldnt want me to stay with them ever again -.-

I miss them, one of my best summers was when I went to florida for like 2 and a half weeks staying at my bro's house with my sis-in-law and niece and nephew x] miss them so much. Don't hear from them anymore practically..


:'''''[ makes me sad a bit, but I don't wanna be sad so gonna think HAPPY THINGS!

Like be able to hear in one ear!

and finishing cleaning!

and not arguing with parents!

WOOOO

I'm gonna go on imvu and try finding clubs to go dancing in....or more like accept my friend invite atm xDD laterz

Saturday, August 8, 2009


MusicPlaylist
MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com




Thrice - Red Sky

I know what lies beneath, I've seen the flash of teeth
conspiring with the reef to sink our ship
the wind's a cheating wife, her tongue a thirsty knife
and she could take your life with one good kiss

Can you see the sky turn red
as morning's light breaks over me
Know tonight we'll make our bed
at the bottom of the sea

I know the ocean speaks, I've heard her call to me
and smiling in my dreams she whispers this
(the stars retreat behind their veil
the clouds are clinging to your sail
the storm is coming can you see)

Look and see the sky turn red
Like blood it covers over me
and soon the sea shall give up her dead
We'll raise an empire from the bottom of the sea

Friday, August 7, 2009

Deaf

I hate being deaf x__x

wish my ears were open completely and that I could hear and had no more pain.


but thats what happens when you don't take care of yourself!!

SO, ADVICE KIDS: always take your medications! ('cept happy pills, those aren't good <_<)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

alala

I went to doc today!

and now I'm known as!

-DRUM ROLL-

A DEPRESSED TEENAGER WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM WOO!

nothing new xD

I am deaf in both ears stiiiiill. Took pain medicine and it worked, no more AHHHHPAINOWOWOWness. Gotta take infection pill later o: hopefully i'll be able to hear clearly soon -.-

-hopes i won't stay deaf-

My doctor also recommends that I take depression pills o_O and I was just silent when he said that, cause if he gives me depression pills, to the garbage they go xD then I'll act happy for the hell of it.

But he knows biggest obstacle that's keeping me from losing weight and having that PUSH inside of me to do it. and that obstacle is: MOM

He notices and keeps telling her that I'm not the type of girl to deal with "tough love" and it doesn't work for me. I don't know if mom's gonna change, but whatever xD if she doesn't that won't be a surprise. Wouldn't be first time she says she'll stop the name calling, and arguing, bad mothering etc. and doesn't change at all.

AHHHHHH!!

ok I'm done screaming ah here.

I wish my girl would come online BUT HASN'T HAPPENED. Least I don't THINK she did. Need to have that discussion with her~ is this gonna last? or should we end it and move on?

A part of me thinks it's best we break up cause I can no longer take the months, weeks, days of no talking/possibly being ignored, but another part of me says I love her so much, so can I really let her go? I mean look how long this lasted, it's just the fact I wait so long that kills me here.

I really don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm urging to hold this girl in my arms, to freakin kiss her and never let go, but ya know, I think I'm gonna have to wait a few more years until that can really happen.

And it's sad. Cause I see all these "friends" of mine in real in their relationships, and they can be together so easily, but I can't do that. Because my love is on the other side of the world for me.

Wish I could take a plane to the Philippines, knock on her door, and just take her, her clothes and things, and bring her home.

And maybe msg I left her was bit harsh...but it angered me so much...I mean c'mon.

Sit here and wait like 2 months for a msg from your gf/bf, then go on their profile and see that they've been online and have spoken to their friends, but didn't even bother to msg you. How would you feel?

-siiiiiigh- I'm gonna stop thinking about this. I'm starting to feel like i want food again 0.0 I might go make another sandwhich....or somethin x.x or just warm up dinner again.

laterz.